You Are Not What You're Going Through
It's been quiet around here lately... huh?
I'm sorry! There's literally been so much going on in this little world of mine. I've debated writing this post all last week. Going back and forth in my mind on whether it's too much to share and thinking about what people would think. Then I realized, my vulnerability and honesty is what those around me and those that I've got to know over the years love about me. So I decided to share and thought it would be a proper reintroduction. In the process, hopefully someone who's suffering from depression would read this and realize it's only temporary.
When I tell y'all... depression is so real! I never in a million years thought I would ever experience it, and until I went through it myself, I honestly didn't think it really existed. Ignorant, right? I know.
Well, the end of last year taught me just how real it is because as things kept happening, I felt myself spiraling.
I stayed up all night, slept all day, felt so much physical pain and fatigue, lost weight... My friendships and relationships suffered because I was avoiding contact with my loved ones. I felt alone. I experienced so much death, I felt numb. My business suffered because I felt uninspired and unmotivated. For that, I truly apologize. Things happened outside of my control and I felt weighed down by the responsibilities of it all. I just don't know... Here I was letting something that I love so much and worked so hard on, slip away from me.
Even though all these things were happening, I was still in denial. "Oh, I'm just going through!" I'm the king of wearing the "I'm ok!" mask, but in reality... I wasn't and I wasn't myself. It finally hit me when I started thinking undesirable thoughts about my life, something had to change and quick. But who had coins for therapy? Not me.
I decided in that moment to stop ignoring it and to talk about it, so I called my baby niece Kaylah and vented. I just needed to get if off my chest! In her usual fashion, she gave me some really good advice and reminded me of my goals and honestly, that was the push in the right direction that I needed. She's way too wise beyond her years.
I decided after that conversation that I wasn't going to let these temporary feelings and events consume me. I decided to accept the fact that I'm not the face of what I'm going through. I decided to be happy, regardless. I chose happy, so I fought. I challenged my depressed and realized, you can overcome anything when you make up your mind to do so.
When I felt helpless, there was literally nothing that I could have done to get myself out of what I was experiencing. When I was fed up and ready to fight, things started to change drastically because I decided that I wasn't going to be a victim. God kept me and I'm just so happy in the space that I'm in right now because it's giving me the fight I need.
I had to experience this. So if you're experiencing depression, just know that when you decide it's over... fight to end it and choose happy and know that you are not what you are going through. It's temporary.